I’m tired. Tired. Tired. Are you with me?
For me, it’s been awhile coming and for those who know me and my schedule, they’re probably not surprised by those words.
But I’m not tired in the way that you think (okay, well maybe just a bit of that too).
My heart is tired.
The last few weeks have brought wave after wave of emotion – stemming from events in the world, my personal life, and my schedule. And in just the last two weeks, I’ve been at two conferences, a clinical trial visit, and now I sit in the hospital today with our youngest son Case.
But the greatest exhaustion I feel is in my disconnectedness from the Lord.
Let me be real here. Seven years ago, when Case was diagnosed with Hunter Syndrome, I desperately needed Jesus.
Every day. Every hour.
I almost couldn’t take a breath, couldn’t function, couldn’t laugh, make one more doctor’s appointment, or look at my son without going to the Lord for strength and sanity and a spiritual means to hold back the tears that threatened to pour out.
Maybe you’ve been there. Whatever the circumstances – divorce, sickness, loss – places where you couldn’t even catch your breath without the strength of the Lord moment-by-moment. And many friends are, by necessity, still resting in that place, day after day.
Part of my heart sits in that with them. But our desperate need for God never comes out of someone else’s trials. And when your own life falls into a routine, where does that desperation go?
I am desperate. But my heart is tired.
I desperately want to desperately need Jesus.
Let me say that again.I desperately want to desperately need Jesus.
I’ve been holding back from acknowledging that for months and maybe you have too. It felt too much like a failure to acknowledge that I didn’t wake up each morning with that desperate need. A part of me also felt like if I did, it would be inviting suffering, an experience that creates such moment-by-moment need, like I experienced seven years ago when Case was diagnosed with Hunter Syndrome.
But this is true. I’ve been on a journey of desperation. For awhile now, I realize.
And it was only by prayer and the grace of God that I’ve been able to put into words my desperation this week. Is anyone here with me?
So what has God called me to do to come back into communion with Him? And what might be some ideas for you if you’re right there with me?
- Pray. Oh, well of course, right? Many of us, we already pray – praise, needs, confession. But this is different. On my knees, flat on the ground, confession that I desperately want to desperately need Jesus and my Abba Father.
- Be silent. I am a talker. If you’re like me, then you know this one is hard. I’m always part of the conversation, always talking, even if it’s just to myself. But God has impressed upon me to default to silence (except with my kids, they don’t get off that easy). And, to be silent before Him for extended periods of time, in conjunction with prayer, to allow Him to speak to my heart.
- Go into nature. The Lord’s creation is such a reflection of His perfect beauty. Sitting in nature, praying, and being silent is a place where God can easily speak into our lives. When life gets so hectic or my brain gets so overrun to make those sojourns less frequent, my heart misses His careful hand of beauty.
- Read the Bible. Now again, go ahead and shout Captain Obvious, but again, He’s calling me to a different form of this – reading aloud. Speaking His very words into my own heart. You might think, “Um, well isn’t that kind of at odds with the silent part?” But in rebuilding that relationship, just as you would in a human one, the conversation needs to be all about Him, and not about us. So often in human conversations, we’re halfway listening and halfway preparing our response. Prayer is often like that too. So silence and the spoken Word transform that conversation into true listening and conversing about His plan.
- Write a letter to the Lord. Since they were young, I’ve schooled my kids on old fashioned letter writing. Not on the computer. By hand. No time to revise or rethink. From the heart. Writing a letter to the Lord brings us back to recognizing Him as the Abba Father that we desperately miss and must reach out to find.
And I do desperately miss Him.
But he never left.
“Lord, I confess my preoccupation with the details of this life. The hectic mill of a schedule that is unsustainable. Please recognize my desperate want and fill my desperate need for you. Even if it takes hard things. Amen.”
What are you desperate for today?
Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10a
‘Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ Jer. 33:3
Last modified: December 31, 2017