On April 6, 2009, I realized Case almost surely had Hunter Syndrome.
No doctor had confirmed it, but we knew.
There is just so little that can hold you together at a time like that. Sometimes, I felt like I was falling apart. I felt like everyone who passed me in the street, the grocery store, wherever, could see right through the walking facade and see my heart melting away. But still, God held me together. He held me together with assurance of His past faithfulness and His promises. I quickly felt the need to be physically surrounded by those words, those promises.
I went to Bible Gateway and printed portions of scripture to comfort me, encourage me, remind me of God’s ultimate plan, and show me that God is still in the miracle business.
Then I taped them all over my house. On my bathroom mirror. My dresser. My kitchen window. Wherever I went the most.
They are still there and the messiness of printer paper scotch taped everywhere just fits right in with the rest of the house. 🙂 I looked at the print date and it is April 8, 2009. I don’t know if I can ever take them down because not only the verses themselves, but the date itself is such a reminder that the Lord provided from the very beginning of this process.
One of my favorites is at the side of my bathroom mirror, so I get a chance to read it every morning and every night while I brush my teeth and my Sonicare toothbrush buzzes for the requisite 2 minutes.
It is the story of Abraham, taking his son Isaac to the mountain to sacrifice him on an alter. And my favorite verses are:
“Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.””
It always stirred two thoughts in me. One, am I willing to sacrifice my child, not on an alter, but in importance, to the glory of the Lord? Two, will the Lord have mercy on me and provide a ram?
While I did my very best to glorify Him in this suffering, I guess I am not afraid to admit that I still prayed for the ram. I remember asking time and time again for God to please provide his ram for Case’s life. Maybe it is still my spiritual immaturity, but part of me thinks it is just that overwhelming love for a child that the Lord has instilled in us to remind us, in a small way, of His overwhelming love for us. I don’t know if Abraham prayed for a ram to come, but I know he loved his son but still remained obedient.
It is such an illustration of our life, I think. Here I am, asking for a ram to save Case’s physical life when really, what we all need is a ram to save our eternal life. Pastor Jerry recently blogged about this same passage and it resonates with me still.
I am utterly a sinner. I’ll be the first to stand and admit it. God provided the ram for me and I didn’t have to even ask. I just accepted it with an overwhelming “thank you Lord”. Thank you Lord again for the rams you’ve sent.